I have been wanting to do this for quite a long time already but didn't really seem to have the motivation and time to do it since i didn't think that it was necessary at that time.. But i guess it's time to do this.. I am expressing my feelings on this blog because i don't really have a listener anymore since i pretty much have lost all my friends.. So i am trying to express my feeling through this blog even though there wouldn't be any person reading this... I have been dating a girl who i really love, i love her so much that i would give an arm for, no, not the expression but actually give an arm for just like what Eminem said.. I love her so much that i am willing to give up on everything for her, my time, my money.. etc.. but .. is that really a good thing to do?
I know it myself that i am not the brightest kid, i am not the richest and i certainly am not a perfect boyfriend.. but i have been trying really hard.. to be a really really good boyfriend that i wouldn't ever have to have a fight with my love because it simply just breaks my heart to fight with the one i love... Even if i am annoyed, pissed off, i would try to understand that people are not perfect. Therefore my way of dealing with this is to calm myself down, try to talk to her even if she's is mad at me or even if she did something wrong, and i believe that eventually she would understand that she was wrong or was being unreasonable.
I had became attached to her ever since I fell in love with her,, She is my everything, my universe.. so i try so hard, to not disappoint her, to get make her mad, to be the best boyfriend that she ever had.. I remember how she used to talked to me about a guy who she really loved. She dated that guy for about 3 years and had to break up because of his study. In my mind, I've always wanted to be that guy, the guy who she really love, who she would brag to her friend about and to be honest, I dont know whether i would be able to do that..
I am not a very rich guy and a very very naive guy. When I first still had some money in my bank, i spent whenever i needed to, trying to fulfill every wish she had.. She used to told me that she didnt date me for the money, I do know that but i know myself that she does want a lot of thing and would be depressed and frustrated for quite sometime, and it just breaks my heart to see that happening, So i would always try to buy whatever she wanted, and she would put on a happy face and i know that what i did was what i wanted not matter how much i have to spend, her smile and happiness. But as time passes, the account balance of my bank become lesser and lesser, i started to worry a little bit, however i could not change the speed of spending the money. So now, basically i am living off the salary i have since i have spent all my savings. Even though we are both poor, her desires for goods still remains, so i always try to give her as much thing as i can, even if i have to rely on somebody else and i really hated to do that..
She had been mad at me quite frequently recently and i really hateeeee that ! sometimes she also becomes mad for very unreasonable reason.. My mom got hit by a car today, and i was so worried that i almost had a panic attack.. luckily that she didnt had anything majorly bad, but a lot of bruises and a mild concussion... However she was able to come home on that day,, and she didnt had any lunch and dinner, so i decided to make her some food so that she can eat something when she is home, so i asked my girl to leave 15 minutes earlier on that day so that i would have some time to prepare some food for her.. surprisingly, she was unhappy with my decision and maybe even got mad at me .. I was really surprised, i thought everything had happened, she would understand that why i am doing that.. but she didnt.. which breaks my heart because i really hate the fact that she did that. I am not asking her to leave early cuz i was bored of her or whatever reason, but to make food for my MOM so that she could enjoy some food after what she had went through..
2 weeks ago, she told me that i changed, i am not the one i used to be.. I admit that i probably wasnt like how i was before, it could be that i am just tired.. i am tired of everything.. Ever since I advanced to DP, my life became busier than the traffic in new york, I barely have any time left. and yet, 95 percent of my times goes to my love of course, and the rest i spend on doing homework, work and relaxing myself. Therefore I had been neglecting my friends and family. Last night when kennoo and chris came over to my house to play some xbox, i noticed that my distance with kennoo wasnt just far, our relationship now is just like 2 strangers. He doesnt look at me in the eyes when he talks to me, when he talks to me i sense awkwardness, and he doesnt not interact with me much. I cant blame him for that since i promised him that i would try to spend more time to hang out with him, but i simply have no time at all, actually i do but whenever i have time.. i would be soooo tired that i do not want to leave my house and rather to sleep in the bed and watch some anime or so. So i sent him a message breaking off our friendship if it is actually still there because i do not want him to be trouble by worrying about our friendship, if he actually did..
My friend had been telling me to dump her as she is being too controlling, shes controlling over my life.. it is true that she is a little controlling, but you know.. i really dont mind because i always love it when i am able to spend time with her; kennoo had said that shes not a good girlfriend, she might not be the best girlfriend, but i love her ! my family also sometimes make annoying comment about how i treated her like god which annoys me a lot because it seems to me that how i have treated her might actually still not good enough.. I dont know what to do.. i am just tired of hearing stuff from my friends, family whatever that i really want to isolate myself, and not think of anything else.. so i skipped some school so that i can have some peace for myself.. some time to relax.. but it wasnt a very good idea since my grade went down and i have to report to the DP coordinator now..
There are a lot of stuff happening and i would post on this blog to express my feeling and hopefully making me feel better.. thats it for now
